I’ve been lonely lately and it’s probably just a phase. Or not. We’ll see I guess. Sometimes I wonder if and when it will all end. I guess I want to know if I’ll be happy when it’s all said and done.

Today I’m going downtown to walk around. Sometimes I do this to feel something. I love the feeling of staring up at a tall building. Almost like thinking this thing could topple over and end so many lives. Now that’s power. I think I may fall down sometime from looking straight up at a building with my head cocked awkwardly. But mostly my neck hurts from the strain so I give myself a break from looking.

What I really come downtown for is the people. The gob’s of people walking to and fro at paces unheard of in a monastery. I think these people will die from stress. But then again, it’s a stressful world we live in. Sigh, I want to help these people breathe. Again, I realize most of the time I don’t know how to breathe. Hence the walking downtown.

I let people brush past me because in these moments I feel close to someone. I know it sounds creepy or bizarre even. But honestly, I’m very lonely. So lonely that I don’t eat at home because I’m afraid I’ll choke on my food and no one will save me. Trust me, I’ve thought about letting that happen numerous times. I couldn’t go out that way though. People would say things like “That poor guy never had a chance…Think he had anyone?”

The answer is no. No I don’t have anybody but it’s okay because…well, I don’t know. Another person bumps into me because they were texting on their Blackberry. He gives me a disgusted look and mouths something. I imagined him saying “Go to a homeless shelter you addict.” People are pretty cruel but I try to think the best of people.

I’d like to say days like this help me to feel alive but honestly I don’t know sometimes. It’s difficult because I don’t have much to compare it to. It’s not that I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I’m depressed. And I know I need help. But I’m not ready.

I miss my older brother because he would know what to do. He used to help me all the time when I would have a problem. He’d say things like “You know something, people suck Kenny, they really do…but don’t lose hope man.” Or “Little bro, you really need to grow a pair because I wont always be there to protect ya.” He would always lightly punch me after one of these sayings. My brother really cared about me. My poor parents are separated because of him. Neither of them seemed to remember I was still alive.

The thing is I don’t really want people to feel sorry for me. I know people have it a lot worse than me. I guess a lot of those people feel pretty bad too. Sigh, I wish there was a group for those type of people. Maybe we could help each other.

For now I stare up at buildings that touch the clouds and think about how I’m alive and breathing today. Maybe that’s enough… for today.

 

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